It’s true, the title. We do. We may act as if we don’t need anyone, but we do. I crave relationships. Friends, family…I want to be close to them. And I’m not. It’s weird, how dejected I feel. I have Kalen, thankfully, but most of the time I feel so damn alone that I don’t know what to do with myself. I sit up late, alone, and I cry. I marathon watch shows. People marvel at how quickly I get through them, but the truth is they are the only things keeping me sane most of the time.
I see people who are best friends with their siblings and cousins…and I don’t have that. Trying to see them is like pulling teeth. They don’t seem to want anything to do with me. I’m not entirely sure why, but that’s how it feels to me. I feel like I’m watching from the sidelines. I feel like my absence wouldn’t be noticed. I don’t mean this in a suicidal way. I’d never break Kalen’s heart that way. But I’m miserable. I’m unwanted. Or, that’s how I’m feeling.
It’s funny. I remember when my sister got her last job, my Mom said she’d take her to dinner to celebrate. When I had gotten a new job in 2011 (brief though it was), that offer wasn’t made to me. When I started school, nothing. Now that I’ve been accepted into a really good nursing program? They barely acknowledge that. It’s as if my accomplishments don’t matter. I was kicked out of the house. Sister gets to stay. They like her more. They always have. If I didn’t call them, I’d probably never hear from them.
I’m just left out. Everyone is in my cousin’s wedding except me. She said it’s because she wasn’t in mine (except I only had my sister), but she picked out her bridesmaids before my wedding was a thought, so that isn’t it.
I will see my friends all hanging out with each other. I’m never included. It sucks. It hurts. Your family and friends are supposed to be there for you, and I feel more alone than ever.
I guess it’s a good thing that they don’t want me around. It will give me time to study, right?
Fumbling Towards Fi 